Wednesday, July 18, 2007

You Might Be Dumber Than Paris Hilton

Over the past few months, we have seen and experienced the day-to-day trials of that waifish moron known as Paris Hilton. The media keeps covering her while at the same time apologizing for doing so. The main attraction to all this news coverage is not that Paris Hilton has adoring fans who are concerned with her well being. Nor is it because she is particularly pleasant to look at. In fact, she is kinda scary.

No, the reason why the media gives us 24/7 coverage of Paris is the same reason why we all watch: We want to feel smarter than someone who is richer than we are.

Yes, the American dream has changed a little bit. No longer do we wish to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps (or 5" designer heal-straps). Today, we seek contentment and happiness by telling ourselves and each other what a considerable dumb-ass twit Paris Hilton is. You see, this makes up for the fact that a young lady who looks like a fence post but lacks the IQ of a fence post is god-awful rich. She is a heiress for crying out loud. Which is all the more reason to hate her.

However, I submit that Ms. Hilton is not as dumb as she might first appear. Take for instance the following career building moves:

1. A sex tape is released just before her lousy TV show is first aired. Prior to that, none of us had heard of her.

2. On the show, she acts dumber than is humanly possible. (Everyone, including Paris Hilton has heard of Wal-Mart. If you bought that line then you are right down there with her.) But this only propells her popularity forward.

3. When she is tossed in and out of jail, she gets even more coverage. Hell, OJ had to kill two people to get that type of coverage. All she had to do was drive without a license or something and Whammo! she is on every news channel.

As dumb as she is, she is still doing better than most of us. Keep in mind that she is paid $100,000 to show up at a night club and get drunk. I have been doing that for free!

Okay, now to our little test: Are you dumber than Paris Hilton. Answer these questions honestly:

1. Have you ever taken out a payday loan?
2. Do you routinely get big refunds with your tax return?
3. Do you have more than three kids to three separate partners?
4. Did you really believe George W. Bush when he said that Jesus was his political role model?
5. Do you have pictures of you drunk or high on your MySpace account?
6. Are you the person in Homeland Security who came up with the color coded threat conditions?
7. Do you eat fast food more than once per week?
8. Are you counting on Social Security as part of your retirement planning?
9. Do think Ben Franklin was a US President?
10. Do you still watch MTV waiting for someone, anyone to play a music video?

Add up all the "yes" answers and if you scored:
1-3 Yes'............pretty dumb
4-6 ...................really dumb
7-10..................You should get ready for a career as a rich and famous person.